It’s not often that god creates the perfect man. Sure, you can make a case that Michael Jordan is a genetically perfect athlete, or that mother Theresa’s personality could be used as a model to finally bring world peace. But let’s face facts, Michael Jordan is a womanizer and mother Theresa looked like a bag of old forgotten potatoes. These may be examples of great people but neither of them encapsulates full perfection.
Perfect humans are not common. In fact, I believe perfection cannot be obtained through natural birth. A perfect human being is, in many ways, unnatural. Often, this level of excellence can only be obtained through demonic intervention. In other words, if someone seems too good to be true, they probably sold their soul to the devil.
What the fuck am I talking about you ask? What has prompted me to turn this word document into a doctrine of accusation? Hold on to your hats sports fans, because there is an extreme amount of evidence that America’s golden boy, Tom Brady, is in fact a soulless, shell of a man who sacrificed eternal salvation to win a fuck ton of football games and bang the hottest model in creation.
To start my theory, let’s go to a few years before Tom Brady became the coolest human in the world: before the Super Bowls, the smoking wife, and most importantly before any of you even knew his fuckin’ name.
First, you must recognize that I’m not saying Brady hasn’t always been an above average human specimen. There is no doubt that Brady had athletic ability and a calm disposition well before getting into in bed with Beelzebub. However, to reach the level of perfection Brady has achieved, you usually have more going for you than the man pictured below.
Meet 22-year-old Tom. Although many of you may think this guy might be taking his picture for the sex offender registry, you are wrong. This is a young man preparing for the NFL draft. He has just finished his college career at Michigan and is now at the NFL combine, running a slower forty than most lineman and bench pressing less than a high school placekicker. Hardly someone people in New England will eventually name their children after. Here is a man who entered college as the 7th string quarterback, not getting the chance start at the position until his junior season. Sure, when he became the starter he broke some records and won his team a bowl game, but that is hardly enough to hint that this man would eventually be the best quarterback to ever play the game.
Despite Brady’s bowl performance and his record-breaking college numbers, this soft, semi – attractive young man was drafted 199th overall behind 6 other, now obscure quarterbacks. It’s safe to say Brady’s future was headed towards anything but super-stardom.
Although it is possible for a late draft pick to become an elite quarterback, history has proved that the odds are slim. My argument deals with the fact that at some point in time (probably around when Brady was signing on the devil’s dotted line) everything in Tom’s entire life went from above average to PERFECT.
Let’s take his love life for example. Brady’s early dating life resulted in him knocking up then girlfriend, Bridget Moynihan, and eventually having a son out of wedlock. This was hardly a perfect situation. Oh, Tom had a model girlfriend? And he fucked countless cheerleaders you say? Although, more impressive than something me or you could do, this type of behavior is not out of the ordinary for an NFL quarterback.
It is what happened next that makes me question whether or not Brady was playing mini golf with Lucifer on weekends.
Tom Brady went from having a baby with a hot lady and frequently banging 8 out of 10’s to achieving the pinnacle of dating. Thomas stole Leonardo Dicaprio’s girlfriend. For those of you who live under a rock, Leo is the czar of pussy.
Women’s menstrual cycles all over the world revolve around when they would have the best chance to get knocked up by this movie god. Leo has slept with more hot ladies than any census could measure. The man is bananas. And we are supposed to believe that a pasty white, 199th round draft pick, walked in and took Leo’s girlfriend by his own human power?
Not to mention Gisele Bundchen is not one of Leo’s random slam hounds. This was Dicaprio’s first real relationship that spanned more than five years. On top of being a perfect ten, she is also the richest model on the entire planet. But no, you’re right. Brady definitely could swipe her from Leo without having demonic powers. No, you guys are geniuses.
Now that I have discussed Brady’s uncanny athletic improvements and his knack for stealing women from demigods, let’s talk about his fuckin’ face. In my personal opinion Brady’s physical appearance actually improved after his deal with Satan. Oh sorry, I mean his “mysterious good fortune.” If you could turn your attention to the photo below you will notice that for some reason Brady’s hair and bone structure mysteriously changed. Because that’s what normally happens to people.
Sure, this is not a drastic improvement. But it’s hard to believe the half a retard on the left will eventually become a Calvin Klein model. Let’s wrap this whole witch (or devil) hunt up with what I believe seals the fact that Brady is best friends with Jesus’ mortal enemy.
Some of you are probably thinking that Tom Brady could been a model, and a great football player, and perhaps had a chance with Leo’s main squeeze in a normal world. And hey, you may be right! The reason I believe Brady would spend eternity throwing hitch routes to demons, however, can be summed up in two words: Super Bowls.
Yes, Brady was MVP and holds countless records. Yes, he goes home every night to the richest most beautiful woman in the world. And yes, Brady is a handsome guy. But nothing can explain his presence in five different super bowls. Some of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history have barely reached the big game. But our slow, weak, chromosome missing, Brady has been to five of the motherfuckers. He lost two you say? If he sold his soul to the devil why didn’t he win all five? Well, that answer is perhaps the simplest of all. Although the devil gave him everything he could have ever dreamed of, even Satan himself will not fix a Super bowl. Especially when the Lord of Darkness runs the entire league.